


Lup’s Guide to Romancing a Nerd

by questbedhead



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 08:19:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14951019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/questbedhead/pseuds/questbedhead
Summary: WARNING: Lup Taaco is not an expert, and her advice should never be followed.





	Lup’s Guide to Romancing a Nerd

1\. Pick a nerd. Preferably a big, squishy one. They make the best pillows.

2\. Flirt with your nerd. Try to fluster them, but not too badly. Nerds are a notoriously nervous bunch, so be subtle! Ruffle their hair, punch their arm, maybe die for them a couple times. Nothing big.

3\. Learn everything there is to know about your nerd. Hoard facts about them they way you hoarded food when you were little. Catalog them meticulously until you have them memorized.

4\. Don’t let your nerd notice how much you’re paying attention. “Forget” stuff. Make them have to remind you. Let them ramble about their dissertation for an hour straight, even though you’ve already read it three times over. Don’t mention that you think his research on the physical manifestation of bonds across planar systems isn’t just brilliant, but almost poetic. Definitely don’t mention that you “forgot” to return said dissertation to the library before you left for this trip.

5\. Plan out an elaborate, dramatic confession. Enlist your brother to help. Utilize every factoid you have learned about him over the past 16 years to account for all contingencies. Bemoan the fact you really only have one year to prepare. Spend the year you do have ~~obsessing~~ _ruminating_ over the details. get everything set up just right. Chicken out last minute and scrap the whole thing.

6\. Repeat step 5 for 20 years.

7\. Watch him step in the path of a curse for you. Catch him before he hits his head on the floor and sets of another stupid _fucking_ trap in the stupid _fucking_ dungeon you’re lost in. Realize suddenly that it doesn’t matter when you see the hole punched through his stomach. Realize suddenly that you have have known him for over 3 decades and yet you are still surprised that Barry never hesitates to die for you. Realize suddenly you have wasted over 3 fucking decades pretending not to love a man who has literally fucking died for you. Realize suddenly that you have to tell him everything. Hesitate just long enough for him to bleed out on the dungeon floor. Wander the dungeon in the dark until your brother finds you and brings you home.

8\. Spend several weeks ruminating on what the fuck your problem is. Come to the conclusion that the extreme neglect and lack of security that characterized your childhood has stunted your ability to be emotionally vulnerable. Feel really good about this moment of self awareness. Try to talk about it with Taako. End up crying in his lap about how you’re an idiot incapable of love who’s going to die alone. Kick his ass when he reminds you that you live on a magic friendship boat that grants you quasi-immortality.

9\. Hit the town with Magnus to avoid your twin and get crunk. Go a little over board on those fancy cocktails that always taste like they have less alcohol than they do. Let Magnus convince you that you should go tell Barry you’re in love with him right this minute. Black out shortly after. Try not to die of embarrassment the next morning while Barry explains that he let you sleep in his bed because you barged into his room at 2:48 am dead drunk and slurring too heavily to be understood. He didn’t think you should be alone, so he sat up with you until you fell asleep. Laugh it off and tell him you owe him one. Ban yourself from drinking with Magnus for the rest of eternity.

10\. Volunteer to go with Lucretia on some weird nerdy spirit trek to avoid the men in your life. Sulk so hard you nearly get abandoned on another plane of reality for ‘harshing all the good vibes’ and calling the weird nerdy spirit guide a ‘pretentious glowing twink with a sage stick up their ass’. Have an actual discussion with the the weird nerdy spirit twink instead. Come to the conclusion that it is okay to feel broken while you are in the process of healing. Accept the fact that love is an unfathomable void and it is okay to feel lost in it. Ruminate on this until Lucretia finds you and brings you home.

11\. Spend a few years just… actually hanging out with Barry. Stop obsessing over every little detail he lets slip. Start slipping in details about your own life. Tell him about the places you saw and the people you met growing up on the road. Tell him about the freedom you had with no grownups watching over you, and how you fought to keep that freedom even though it scared you half to death. Tell him about the times you thought you might actually die, the times you were hungry and lost and too sick to stand. Tell him what it means to you to have a home to come back to. Watch him drink down your words like one of your stupid, fancy cocktails.

12\. Watch him try and make breakfast for you. Refuse to help, even a little bit. Barry fucking Bluejeans is a grown ass man and he should have learned to make eggs by now. What the fuck did he eat in University? Don’t let him answer. You don’t actually want to know.

Realize suddenly that you don’t need to tell him. You just want to.

 

Hesitate just long enough for the eggs to start burning. Save your nerds dumb ass before he burns your brother’s favorite frying pan. Come to the conclusion that your confession can wait a little longer.

13\. Plan out an elaborate, dramatic duet with him. Spend the year obsessing together over every detail. Catalog each note and measure meticulously and practice until you have it memorized. Get everything set up just right, and then get up on stage with him and blow everyone’s fucking minds.

14\. Don’t let go.


End file.
